A real good thing

If you missed the Remarks by the President on the Economy in Osawatomie, Kansas, http://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2011/12/06/remarks-president-economy-osawatomie-kansas delivered on 06 December 2011, he, like an absent minded professor, repeated the recital in his Remarks by the President in the State of the Union Address last evening, 24 January 2012, http://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2012/01/24/remarks-president-state-union-address.  Those present at Tuesday’s proceedings in the House of Representatives chamber before a joint session of Congress held in the House of Representatives in the Capital probably knew they were not in Kansas, but could easily had been there.

The SOTU speech aired in the same time slot of the first episode of the 8^th season of A&E’s Taboo series.  The title of the Taboo program was “Freaky Remedies”.  It showed examples of wacky cures for common disorders.  A smoothie containing the puréed remains of a freshly killed frog is a surefire treatment for infertility.  The comments by the POTUS coincidentally revealed his bizarre tonic for the malaise affecting America, just as he had done in Kansas six weeks ago.  The POTUS did not wear ruby red slipper shoes while delivering his adaptation of Britain’s Speech from the Throne.

Once again the POTUS made references to familiar people, places, and things.  Nouns, both common and proper, peppered his remarks.  Summon the spirits of maternal grandparents, Richard Cordray, and Warren Buffet.  Good evening Iran, North Carolina, and Orlando (where he gleefully enjoyed a goofy encounter with Mickey Mouse last Thursday while reveling in Fantasyland).  Wish g’day to the Great Depression, housing bubble collapse, and unemployment.

He, like the other chief executives since Woodrow Wilson who preceded him, offered a partisan rendition of the condition of the republic (trending upward), and his legislative schema (further extension and expansion of the state).

The POTUS stated, “In the last 22 months, businesses have created more than 3 million jobs.”  Bully.  He neglected to mention that some of those new hires have subsequently joined, or rejoined the ranks of the unemployed, underemployed, or the permanently state-supported.  Nearly 1 of 5 Americans are idle today.  The statistics provided by the US Department of Labor indicate a downward movement in the national unemployment rate.  That’s good.  There are some indicators that implementation of newly created Federal rules and regulations imposed by the Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act and Wall Street Reform and Consumer Protection Act, and frenzied bureaucrats within the Environmental Protection Agency, National Labor Relations Board, and Consumer Financial Protection Bureau just may negatively impact employment.  Those crazy headwinds, screwy tsunamis, and zany potholes!

He ballyhooed the agreement to trim the deficit by more than $2 trillion.  He omitted that his own creation, The National Commission on Fiscal Responsibility and Reform (Simpson-Bowles), recommended double that figure.  Our deficit will approach $16 trillion dollars by this November’s general election.  Within a decade, the financial status of the United States will reach the economic abyss faced by Greece and Portugal today.  There is no crawling from that monetary Mariana Trench.

The remaining 9/10^ths were dedicated to his proposed legislative actions.  Lip service was paid to reforming energy policies, corporate and individual tax codes, granting of government subsidies, banning insider trading by members of Congress, and reducing the number of federal agencies.  Those who parlayed work, ingenuity, skill, and ingenuity into job-creation and the achievement of financial success (the nasty 1%ers) need to pay more (than the 37% of all tax revenue).

Some programs will continue through the fog.  The Race to the Top in education will continue to distribute dollars collected by Treasury to special interest groups and produce high school graduates who cannot read or comprehend the provisions of their college loans.  Yes, a college degree, like owning a house, is an entitlement.  The same government that created the conditions to enable folks to purchase homes they could not afford now should offer programs to reverse the housing market predicament.

The POTUS is willing to go it alone.  It is his way or the crumbling highway.  He will rule by diktat, just as he has so often done during the first 39 months of his imperial presidency.  One does not question the professor in this class on practical politics.  This POTUS has already signified he deems himself above the law.   The existence of a practical and reasonable loyal opposition will soon follow the incandescent light bulb into oblivion.  Obstructionists beware.  You just may find yourself temporarily situated in a certain corn field in Peaksville, Ohio.  Ultimately, you’ll become part of the process to manufacture a very subsidized and highly taxed gallon of ethanol.  Hey, it is clean energy.

It’s a real good thing you did, Mr. President.  A real good thing.  And tomorrow…tomorrow’s gonna be a…real good day.

Paradoxical sleep

“Tonight on Tuned to Yesterday you will hear episodes of Quiet Please, CBS’s The Whistler, Escape, and the long-running Suspense.”

Nice line-up.  A bit eerie, but nice.

“We begin with There Are Shadows Here, which originally aired on May 10, 1948, on the Mutual …”

At a dramatic news conference held early Sunday morning, US Senator Chuck Schumer, D/NY, senior senator from New York, announced that he has written US Senator Chuck Schumer, D/NY, senior senator from New York, demanding that the senior senator from New York, US Senator Chuck Schumer, D/NY, investigate and take immediate action to rectify a long-overdue persistent problem.

When pressed for the object of his investigation, US Senator Chuck Schumer, D/NY, senior senator from New York, revealed he, US Senator Chuck Schumer, D/NY, senior senator from New York, was urging US Senator Chuck Schumer, D/NY, senior senator from New York, investigate US Senator Chuck Schumer, D/NY, senior senator from New York. 

 “After reviewing the list of presidents, cabinet secretaries, assistant secretaries, undersecretaries, bureau chiefs, administrators, directors, agency heads, inspectors, congressional leaders, congressional back benchers, governors, state legislators, county executives, county legislators, mayors, city managers, aldermen, common counselors, and judges, I, Chuck Schumer, D/NY, senior senator from New York, have discovered the only elected or appointed person I have not written to asking for an investigation during my long and glorious tenure in the US House of Representatives, 1981-1999, and my distinguished and progressive terms in the US Senate, 2000-present, is none other than US Senator Chuck Schumer, D/NY, senior senator from New York.” 

“In light of this deplorable oversight, immediate action is a requisite to undo a terrible injustice,” stated US Senator Chuck Schumer, D/NY, senior senator from New York.  “Therefore, I have written to US Senator Chuck Schumer, D/NY, senior senator from New York, urging a probe to determine what went wrong in this disturbing case.”  

US Senator Chuck Schumer, D/NY, senior senator from New York, in his letter to US Senator Chuck Schumer, D/NY, senior senator from New York, recommended the investigation begin with a hearing by the US Senate Committee on Rules and Administration.  US Senator Chuck Schumer, D/NY, senior senator from New York, is chairman of that Senate Committee in the 111^th United States Congress.  “I can’t think of anyone more qualified than US Senator Chuck Schumer, D/NY, senior senator from New York, to lead the investigation of this paramount issue,” declared US Senator Chuck Schumer, D/NY, senior senator from New York.  

“It’s not about me or my hubris,” US Senator Chuck Schumer, D/NY, senior senator from New York, told the smattering of weekend media reporters, political pundits, network stringers, lobbyists from the securities and investment, law firms, real estate, entertainment, and insurance industries, as well as, toadies, minions, and cronies in attendance at the news conference.  US Senator Chuck Schumer, D/NY, senior senator from New York, revealed it is “about truth, justice, and the American way that has evolved into the politically correct and mandated multicultural mishmash that all, whether citizen, green card holder, or illegal alien, live.”

“Money is no object.  I, Chuck Schumer, D/NY, senior senator from New York, have never hesitated when it comes to spending tax dollars.  The people deserve a complete investigation of US Senator Chuck Schumer, D/NY, senior senator from New York, and they are going to get one.  I don’t care how much money this investigation takes,” uttered US Senator Chuck Schumer, D/NY, senior senator from New York.

US Senator Schumer, D/NY, the senior senator from New York, concluded the meeting by insisting the investigation of US Senator Chuck Schumer, D/NY, senior senator from New York, “is long overdue”. 

The customary free coffee, donuts, and framed 8X10 autographed glossy prints of US Senator Chuck Schumer, D/NY, senior senator from New York, were available for all attendees at the remarkable event. 

What the heck?

Damn radio alarm.

Oh well.  It is time to face another day.

“You’re listening to the 6 AM news.  At a dramatic news conference …”

Oh my dear

Dear diary,

It has been like a long couple of weeks.  I have been so busy I like have not had time ta like update.  Ma and Dad tells me someday I am gonna write a book bout things I did and like make money.  So I hafta write somethings for the book now so I don’t forget later.

School is like the same.  I get lots of smiley faces on my tests.  The teachers is nice to.  They gives smiley faces ta all the kids in my classs.  We all get A+s.  Even the dumb kids like Butch on ADHD who is mean and skips lots of times.  The teachers like always tells us they like our ideas.  I like when Butch skips.  He like takes my lunch money then I hafta eat the lunch ladies food.  I specially like Miss Pitts my homeroom teacher.  I told my best friend Mike that she was cute.  I got spended for that when the principle heard it.  I spect Butch told him.

I am like happy that the school stopped giving homework ta raise a bar cuz have more time ta play and ta text.  My Xbox 360 broke so I was like spending lots of time in the park after school using my Symphony 1.8 Power Kite until I get a new Xbox Ma got me with her credit card online soon after we get back from vacation.  Oh.  I will tell you about this trip later.  And my iPhone be broke to.  Bummer.

One day I gave my kite to my best friend, Timmy.  I like to share my stuff with my friends, specially if I didn’t hafta pay for it.  Like Timmy went ta the park on that windy day last week.  When he got home he told me he lost the kite when a gust of wind suddenly snapped the string.  I was like sad.

Then I like discovered Timmy did not tell me the whole truth.  He like fibbed.  Timmy fessed up a few days later.  What really happened was that mean dumb kid Butch on ADHD pushed Timmy and like cut the line with a box cutter.  Butch now has my Symphony 1.8 Power Kite.  Butch is a pain in the you-know-what.  Like he enjoys picking on me.

I asked Butch ta give it back to me.  I like sent him a text message.  I was afraid ta tell him ta his face.

Ma even told some of the other ladies on the block about my stolen kite.  That did nothing ta get my kite back.

I heard that Butch was like in the park the other day with his gang.  They were flying my kite.  Talk about nerve.  I’ll like never fly my Symphony 1.8 Power Kite again.

I like cried and like banged my head on the floor.  Ma said that should ask my Uncle Sammy ta get me a new one.  He tells me he is broke cuz he don’t work no more since he lost his really good job at MF Global and then gives inta me specially if I cry.  She would like by me a new one with her credit card if that didn’t work.  Believe me, thowin a fit works every time!   I think I will get one of those Sojourn Box Kites.  Like they are even more spensive and more better than the Symphony kind.

I hear my father tell Ma all the time she uses that card too much.  He tells her they need ta make a budget.  I don’t know what a budget thing is, but can tell I don’t like it.  But they never make one of those and keep gettin so many things.  I seen even Dad uses his card ta get things.

Now Butch is going around like laughing.  Butch always does that ta me.  Butch has a collection of slingshots.  Some of my buddies like told me that Butch is making a supply of really big stones.  He tells people he collects them like others do with stamps and coins like so ta buzz off.  Butch told me lots of times ta mind my own business.

Like my other best friend, Joey, keeps telling me that we should beat him up.  I keep telling my pal Joey that I am afraid ta do that.  Joey like goes ta a dojo twice a week since a long time.  Joey is more littler than me, but he is not afraid of Butch and his crew.  I am like afraid that one of these days Joey will try ta sneak up on Butch and fight him with his karate chops.  He did that ta a couple of Butch’s buddies in the past.  Those kids blamed me.  Butch like will blame me.  I just know it.

I am goin on a vacation with my family.  I will like miss some school.  That breaks my heart, hahaha.  I will still get more A+s.  We are goin ta Hawaii again.  It is not like near Aunt Martha’s house on Indian Lake where we go every summer.  Ma says I was born there.  Dad like laughs when she says that.  Ma and Dad take me ta lots of trips.  I get ta play and ta go on rides and like eat.  We stay in nice hotels.  Ma and Dad get ta use their credit cards even.  Sometime like Dad gets all worked up over the credit card thing and budget.  Ma tells him like it feels so good.  He calms down.

I forget all bout Butch when I go away.  I like always wish Butch would go far away for good.  Maybe Joey will take care of Butch when I am gone.  Got ta pack like now.  Dad got a limo ta get us ta the airport early.  He like used his credit card.  Musta felt good.  They told me that this like might be the last time ta go ta Hawaii cuz maybe I be in college next year I can’t go with them.  I hope Butch goes to a different college.

This diary better get me ta make lots of money like later for my book or I spoze can get some of those credit cards cuz Dad said Uncle Sammy ain’t goin ta be round by like then probably.

I would tell you like Merry Christmas but it probably may hurt your feelins and that is like not gettin A+s.  So bye until like next time.  Whatever.

A funny thing happened on the way to the guillotine

Prep

The morning co-anchors on the most experienced local news crew are still clinging to the belief that the OWS movement is not going away.  They deliver their predictably depressing canned NBC reports nearly every morning.  The sunrise duo’s assessment may prove correct, but let’s face the fact that OWS is going anywhere.   There are a number of factors that are working against any success the faction of malcontents crave.   The classless society is a delusion.  Their revolution is fizzling.

Wash

Marketing.  Yes, you had sympathetic reporters covering your event.  Something is amiss when their numbers are greater than the demonstrators.  Some are still present waiting for that one big headline-grabbing story.  Visits by celebrities were nothing more than photo-ops.  They never really joined the troupe, preferring to quickly retreat to their comfy condos, gated communities, and palatial estates.  None volunteered to contribute to the construction of reeducation camps or the building of a guillotine.  Oh, ditch the clenched fist on your website.  Replace it with a link to Amazon’s Barbeque’n with Bobby page.

Political Clout.  Politicians who loved your enthusiasm at the revolution’s onset are now scarcely seen or heard.  San Fran Nan distanced herself from the Oakland shipyard.  The President jetted to Cannes and Hawaii.  Chuckie is engaged in mending fences with leaders of the banking, investment, and securities industries.  Andy set a curfew for Lafayette Park upstate and Bloomy ordered a raid downstate.  Maybe they will appear in your midst on 23 November.  Don’t count on that happening.  Members of Congress have a Gang of 12 Report deadline to process; and, the POTUS must pardon a turkey.

Social Media.  The government forgot to hit the kill switch as the Ben Ali and Mubarak regimes did during uprisings in Tunisia and Egypt.  Texting, tweeting, and talking continues.  Everyone keeps on chatting using their latest iPhone 4S.  Facebook still works and you get porn with that too.  That’s one less thing to bitch about.  Here’s a news flash: this is a non-event.  What gives with that?  You’ve got mail.

Sanitation.  All the defecating in public is more than a tad revolting.   Among the lessons missed in kindergarten were “Flush”, “Clean up your own mess”, and “Look”.   Social promotion is profoundly flawed.  Kaftan clad inhabitants “going on the go” while casually strolling in Tahrir Square is normal, but not here.  Duh, even dog-walkers carry poopie bags.  Where did you think you were?  Public bowel movements in this country have been taboo since Lockwood Library was closed after the firebombing in 1970.

Dry

Music.  The earsplitting reverberations of the incessant thumps from the membranophones could not even attract a Sasquatch.  The chanting was so medieval and popish.  “Four Rapes in Zuccotti Park” does not have the impact as “Four Dead in Ohio.”  There are thousands of radio stations airing a full assortment of melodious genres, yet none are featuring your dreadfully harsh sound.  It simply does not cut it.  It would not have been a hit on American Bandstand either, if that is any consolation.  “You can’t dance to it, Dick.”

The March.  The 2-week and 240-mile Occupy Wall Street (OWS) march from Liberty Square in Manhattan’s financial district to McPherson Square near the White House in Washington is comical.  It pales in comparison to 53-week and 8000-mile Long March.  That was a campaign.  Come on OWS.  You have some nerve characterizing your hike as “epic.”  What army is hot on your heels?  No pitched battles during your modest saunter.  Not even a skirmish. Do you plan on losing 90% of your mob from wounds, hunger, and altitude sickness in New Jersey?  You are too soft and lazy.  Unleash a campaign for goodness sake.  Show some passion, hardship, sacrifice.  Did anyone consider a trek from Liberty Square to the Denali National Park?

Strikes.  Where are the violent prolonged work stoppages?  The one day affair authorized by the ninny posing as a mayor was a dud.  Sanitation workers are cleaning your debris, and the cops are doing their level best protecting and serving.  The overtime pay is surely welcomed.  No nationally sanctioned work stoppages by the SEIU, UAW, ILO, or Teamsters.  The unions threw OWS under the car, bus, train, and plane.  The military has not mutinied either.  The peasants have not bonded with you as they did during the Tambov Rebellion.  Hell, the National Basketball Association players are in court and not on your lines.   They hope for a ruling more favorable than the one you received from the judge shortly after 4 PM on 15 November.  Legal brief: it’s Nacho Park.  The thing at Berkley is that SNAFU has existed for better than a half-century.  What gives with that?

The military.  The military has not mutinied either.  No shots from anything resembling the Potemkin.  Not a soul has left the barracks as they did during Kronstadt 90 years ago.  Fly-overs take place at NASCAR events, but not in conjunction with demonstrations at the Brooklyn Bridge.  Do not even wonder about the lack of their support.  They might tell if you ask.

Significant Event.  Successful revolutions have one particular pivotal episode that serves as a rallying point.  Americans value Independence Day, complete with family picnics and firework displays.  Bastille Day is a national holiday in France.  Free the inmates, surrounded by razor wire and deprived of HBO, from their diet of baloney sandwiches, in Joe’s Arizona tented lockup.  For the past 50 years the government of Cuba has declared the Bahia de Cochinos off limits to cruising yachts.  The closest thing the OWS has to that is a Park of Pigs off limit to all but the least discriminative.

Fold

Lack of a martyr.  Hey people, nobody is going to throw you to the lions.  Not one single protestor among the scores of riffraff in a couple dozen cities has taken the match to the can.  Is the high cost of petrol preventing a reenactment of Thich Quang Duc’s or Mohammed Bouazizi’s self-immolations?  Dying from a STD contracted in Cleveland’s Public Square a decade from now is too remote.   Carpe diem.  Let’em sing “Abraham, Martin, John, and (insert name here).”

OWS was a foolish lark from its inception.  It is time to bring into play the Peterbuilt Leach II Packers and the Johnston VT650s.  The OWS is no more sustainable as the republic’s escalating debt.  The pigeons passionately want and desperately need to reoccupy their parks.   Following Judge Stallman’s decision late in the afternoon on 15 November, the pigeons and all their friends may… come back.

That’s done

Time to vacuum.

Totally fried and kq’d

“I’m old and living on a fixed income.”  Have you ever fallen for that tired old line?  Sober up!

The time has come for a new movement.  The Pew Research Center reported earlier this week that households headed by older adults have made dramatic economic gains relative to younger households, http://www.pewsocialtrends.org/2011/11/07/the-rising-age-gap-in-economic-well-being/.

The soldiers of the Oakland Liberation Front must grasp the fact that the money-grubbing elderly are filthy rich.

Those aged Americans need to share their wealth.  Are you listening, Zuccotttites?

The Occupiers of the (once) Busy Corner should know that the residents of Loretto, Sitrin, and Acacia Village do not pay their fair share.

Not only are they moneyed, but as card-carrying members of the American Association of Retired People they take advantage of all those nifty discounts.  No tenting for the well-off seniors.  You will find them spending your inheritances while staying at choice hotels and resorts: Hyatt, Hampton, MGM, and Starwood.  Think about that when you crawl into your Wenzel Sprout.

Go ahead.  Listen to the omniscient Mahatobama.  Join with him as he disparages those fat cat bankers.  Just take care not to trip over the pensioners in the lobbies of those financial institutions buying traveler checks for their next cruise.  You are asking for trouble if you disrupt that activity.  Expect forty whacks with a cane for any unruly action that impedes sailing on time from Miami to Costa Rica aboard the Crystal Symphony or flying to Davos on a NetJet just like Warren and Bill.

Keep the din from your primal drumming and incessant chanting to a minimum.  Have you no consideration of the elderly as they discuss their next trade with their broker?  Do you really want them to lose count and have to restart tallying the income from pensions, IRAs, and 401Ks?  They also can rely on a monthly chunk of moolah courtesy of Social Security.  That is not a source of income youth have now, nor will they likely have in the future.

It is no wonder that seniors have 47 times the net wealth as the younger households.  The only mystery is how they were able to accumulate so much without impressive degrees in Women’s Studies, Whale Gawking, Playground Recreation, or Multicultural Admiration.  Additionally, they had the burden of paying huge sums of money, $7.50 in 1974 for a general admission concert ticket to see and listen to Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young, during their misspent youth.  Today, David Crosby and Graham Nash play acoustic sets for free without the accompaniment of band mates Stephen Stills and Neil Young.  What do you want for nothing?

So the hell with shutting ports, tossing occasional Molotov cocktails, raping indiscriminately, robbing the people’s money jar, propagating STDs, and defecating on police cars.  Join the OWS mob when they arrive in the Capitol on 23 November.  Lay siege to that bastion of the rich elderly before succumbing to that potentially lethal strain of tuberculosis in your midst: the headquarters of AARP at 601 E Street, Washington, DC.

Youth is really squandered on the wasted young.

Micro ouvert la nuit à Cannes: très drôle!

It was open mic night at the Cannes Comedy Cabaret last week.  Sharing the spotlight were a number of superficially amateurish jokers.

George, Angela, and David, were somewhat entertaining during their stand-up sketches, but all fell short as their material taxed the audience greatly.

Silvio blended a few selections from his latest album, Il Vero Amore, with his uniquely sexually explicit bunga-bunga version of farce bouffone, much to the delight of the carnal appetites of the clique positioned at the tables fronting stage-left.

One routine, however, clearly outshone the others.  The slapstick duo of Barry and Nicky took center stage with their offbeat bi-lingual one-liners leaving the spectators in stitches.  The team alone was worth the €10 cover charge.  They easily won the Cannes Comedy Cabaret’s Binenator Cup for the most madcap performance of the evening.

It was their first appearance together since a former cohort, Benny, abruptly left the act some time ago.

The opening skit, apparently unrehearsed, had the audience rolling in the aisle with abundant laughter.  “Je veux les Palestiniens dans L’Organisation des Nations unies pour l’éducation, la science et la culture”, Nicky said.  Barry retorted, “UNESCO?  Surely you jest.  Vous sont telles un imbécile,” as he smashed a fruit pie squarely on Nicky’s face.

Wiping the whipped cream and banana filling from his eyes, a straight faced Nicky blurted, “Benny is a liar. Et ne m’appelez Shirley.”  The attendees were hushed as they awaited an entertaining response from Barry.  He did not disappoint.  “Vous en avez marre.  Well,” replicating the distinctively quaint lead-in of the legendary Jack Benny, “I have to deal with him every day,” Barry quipped.  The audience, keenly aware of the rocky relationship that now exists between Barry and Benny, roared with their hysterical approval.

Both Nicky and Barry have day jobs.  However, given the bleak direction of the economy in general and their poor professional performance ratings in particular, their continued employment status is in jeopardy.  Should they lose their current posts they can take a measure of comfort knowing they may someday achieve superstar status as fumbling and lighthearted comedians.

Nicky and Barry plan to take some time apart, but they have tentatively set the date and place of their encore performance: June 2012 at the Los Cabos Bar de Copas.  Save your pesos for the return engagement of the zany Franco-American jesters.  That evening promises to transform the wacky world of comedy to a new extreme.

No postcrypt

The new Libyan government has a problem.  Where do they bury a murdered former dictator?  One official suggested storing the remains Muammar Gaddafi in a freezer for a few days, http://news.yahoo.com/gaddafi-burial-delayed-until-location-set-official-084432619.html, until a permanent site for interment is found.

Some sites are out of the question.  Zuccoti Park is reserved for the living dead.  Burial in The Meadowlands may uncover you-know-who.  A cemetery is not included in Utica’s Master Plan.

There are two suitable areas located on the White House compound.

One alternative is to bury the stiff in the Rose Garden.  The tyrant’s carcass will lay in rest with scores of other skeletons: Evergreen, Solyndra, Gunwalker, Recovery.gov, ACORN, Fisker Karma, 16 blue dogs, 32 czars, and 2.1 American million jobless citizens.  The POTUS must act quickly if this is his decision.  There is some space still remaining, but the plot is filling at a fast and furious rate.

The other choice is not to even attempt to hide the body.  Keep it in plain sight.  Place it in the Press Room where the reporters from the main street media will simply ignore it despite any associated repulsiveness.  This choice has already proven to work effectively with Joe Biden, the National Labor Relations Board, 20 million illegal aliens, and the American Jobs Act of 2011.

Flip a coin.  Roll dice.  Play eenie, meenie, minie moe.  It is time for a solution from the Oval Office.

Problem solved in typical Obama fashion.

Here is the poop

Contemporary progressives in Congress have a poster child: Stanley Thornton, a 30 year-old who fantasizes he is a baby.

Stanley has a sexual fetish, paraphilic infantilism, also known as adult baby syndrome.  The fetish is listed in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders of the American Psychiatric Association, http://www.psychologistanywhereanytime.com/sexual_problems_pyschologist/psychologist_paraphilias_list.htm.

Baby Stanley was seen on an episode of Taboo, http://video.nationalgeographic.com/video/player/national-geographic-channel/shows/taboo-1/ngc-adult-baby.html, which aired on National Geographic Channel in May 2011.

The NGC program revealed that Stanley was living with Sandra Dias.  Sandra, the narrator identified her as a former nurse, was mothering Stanley.  Stanley and Sandra were collecting Supplemental Security Income (SSI) checks from the United States Social Security Administration,   http://www.socialsecurity.gov/.  The SSI pays benefits to disabled adults and children who have limited income and resources, http://www.socialsecurity.gov/pgm/ssi.htm.  It is not known whether Stanley first applied for SSI “for an adult” or “for a child”.  Stanley maintained that his SSI benefits were related to a disability and not from his fetish.

Senator Tom Coburn, R/OK, wrote a letter to Patrick P. O’Carroll, the Inspector General of the USSSA, asking for a review to determine why Stanley and Sandra were collecting SSI benefits instead of working, http://coburn.senate.gov/public/index.cfm/news?ContentRecord_id=E031CEC2-59F1-4BC4-93AA-FEEC0112A214.  The senator, who is also a medical doctor, wrote, “Given that Mr. Thornton is able to determine what is appropriate attire and actions in public, drive himself to complete errands, design and custom-make baby furniture to support a 350-pound adult and run an Internet support group.”

The rising cost of health care would surge more dramatically if Stanley’s pediatrician began basing his fees by the pound.

Dr. Coburn has a rating of 98.17/100 by the American Conservative Union (ACU), http://www.conservative.org/ratings/ratingsarchive/2010/House-Senate-combo.htm#CT.  He is a frequent critic of wasteful government spending and earmarks.

Here is a link to Stanley’s website:  http://bedwettingabdl.homestead.com/Stanleys_personal_page.html.  Oh how cute!

The USSSA ruled in favor of Stanley the other day, http://www.redding.com/news/2011/oct/19/reddings-adult-baby-cleared-social-security-invest/?partner=yahoo_feeds.  Stanley is now demanding an apology from Senator Colburn.  Stanley is still waiting.

Hang in there, Stanley.  Don’t bang your head on the floor.  More help may come your way.

Stanley, you need to enroll in day care.  Free diapers may soon become available.  You can always construct your high chair after school.  Bring it to day care on “Show and Tell” day.

Rosa DeLauro, D/CT03, introduced the DIAPER (Diaper Investment and Aid to Promote Economic Recovery) Act, http://thomas.loc.gov/cgi-bin/query/z?c112:H.R.3134:, on 6 October 2011.

This is not a shaggy dog story.

Stanley, be a good baby and give Mrs. DeLauro a huggy.

The measure, H.R. 3134, has 14 cosponsors, http://thomas.loc.gov/cgi-bin/bdquery/z?d112:HR03134:@@@P#, as of today.  Round up the usual suspects.  The proposal was referred to the House Committee on Education and the Workforce.

According to a press release found on her official House of Representative website, http://delauro.house.gov/release.cfm?id=3206, the DIAPER Act would “simply amend the Child Care and Development Block Grant Act of 1990, and will help to relieve some of the stress on families facing hardship in this economy by allowing diapers to be provided as a direct service, instead of as an administrative cost.”  The DIAPER Act would amend the Child Care and Development Block Grant of 1990 to allow the government to dispense diapers, at taxpayer expense to day care centers, should the bill become law.

The sponsorship of the DIAPER Act is not atypical for the meddlesome Mother DeLauro.  Earlier this year she introduced the Fair Employment Opportunity Act of 2011, http://delauro.house.gov/release.cfm?id=3146.  The bill, http://thomas.loc.gov/cgi-bin/query/z?c112:H.R.2501:#, would prevent employers from excluding the unemployed when hiring.

Rep. DeLauro has a lifetime rating, 10 terms in the House, of 3.88/100, by the American Conservative Union, http://www.conservative.org/ratings/ratingsarchive/2010/House-Senate-combo.htm#CT.  A profligate spender, she sponsored or co-sponsored 54 earmarks, totaling $49,283,000, in fiscal year 2010, http://www.opensecrets.org/politicians/otherdata.php?cycle=2012&cid=N00000615&type=I.

H.R. 3134 typifies the statist quest to micromanage our republic.  Not only does Nanny DeLauro want the taxpayers, a group that may soon find itself on the list of endangered species, subsidize another costly government sponsored program, but in doing so she promotes a product that is not the cheapest alternative, already contributes to a third of the waste in our nation’s landfills, and adds to the dioxin exposure of toddlers (http://www.cottonbabies.com/clothdiapers.php#why).  Really now, Mrs. DeLauro!

Mrs. DeLauro, embrace Stanley and give him a Huggies.

Statists, who live in fantasy world, now have their poster child.  Gotta go, folks.  It is time for baby’s change.

Take me to your leaderless

The Occupy Wall Street (OWS) throng has entered its 31^st day according to its website, http://www.adbusters.org/campaigns/occupywallstreet.  The movement, leaderless according to many media outlets, has the ability to construct and maintain a computer program and a server to provide access to all connected to the World Wide Web.  How did this happen?  Was done by an anonymous android smuggled into the Big Apple’s Pennsylvania Station on a sealed train originating in Germany?  Was it Eric Gustafson, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8N4mE6tnS4g?  Time, or possibly Mordecai, http://www.imdb.com/character/ch0006042/, may reveal the poser, but time is getting short, http://content.usatoday.com/communities/ondeadline/post/2011/10/radio-preacher-now-says-oct-21-is-definitely-doomsday-well-probably/1?csp=34news.  Hope that the mystery is unraveled before Friday.

OWS may not have a leader, but it has at least one spokesman.  He was interviewed on the news last evening.  He was from MoveOn.org.  The OWS has an Assembly too.  It is sort of like open-mic night at a local comedy club.  Anyone can say anything.  No leader.  No gong.  Over the weekend the OWS tried to expand and become OTS, Occupy Times Square.  That did not work too well.

It is the OWS (the 99%) v them (the 1%).  Las Vegas has no line on this game.

Mystery notwithstanding, within a few days of the onset of the OWS a whip wielding figure provided the ooze faction when he berated a prominent banking institution for its decision to begin charging a nominal monthly fee for customers using debit cards, http://www.foxnews.com/politics/2011/09/30/durbin-slams-bailed-out-bank-america-over-new-debit-fee/.  The bank’s decision, http://money.cnn.com/2011/09/29/pf/bank_of_america_debit_fee/index.htm, was in response to the loss of income it incurred from its charge to merchants which was restricted by legislation previously initiated by that same whip wielding lawmaker.  First he sets fire in a crowded theater.  Then he calls 9-1-1 to report a conflagration.  Nice guy.

The bell cow of the minority herd in United States House of Representatives gave her imprimatur to the Occupy Wall Street horde, http://news.yahoo.com/pelosi-supports-occupy-wall-street-movement-201524201.html, in early October.  She expressed her dissatisfaction with the inability of the Troubled Asset Relief Program to benefit consumers.  That occurs quite often when you pass a bill only to discover much later the tangible impact of the measure.  It is but another example of the inability of government whenever it attempts to meddle in the natural workings of the market economy.  Entities that provide the best possible goods and services survive.  Disintegration of businesses that fail is ultimately the best possible outcome for consumers.   She now cries foul three years after she spilled the milk.  Too late, ma’am.

The Candidate-in-Chief has even lovingly embraced the leaderless faction, http://www.businessinsider.com/white-house-draws-closer-to-occupy-wall-street-says-obama-is-fighting-for-interests-of-the-99-2011-10.  In his own kakistocratic style, he has admonished owners of businesses, corporate jets, and excessive wealth (the amount has varied from time to time and place to place), while accepting money from them for his campaign to continue its quest to redistribute wealth.  Apparently, only some money corrupts our society.  Monies allocated for a crusade dedicated to the elimination of personal wealth are fine.  Shazam, Barry.

Some companies are better than others too.  Evergreen Solar, Solyndra, Freddie Mac, and Fannie Mae are good ones.  Bank of America and Exxon Mobile head the list of evil businesses.  The OWS crowd is awestruck by the simplistic and the ambiguous.  Everything is either white or black.  You are pigeonholed into the 99% or 1%.  That is an easy game to play.  The 99% believe that municipally provided Port-O-Potties are a basic human right, http://newyork.cbslocal.com/2011/10/13/mayor-michael-bloomberg-says-zuccotti-park-will-be-cleaned-up-friday/, and the 1% do not.  Golly.

The media widely reported the OWS has gone national and global.  Some news services have described the violent nature the OWS has exhibited at times.  Bet you didn’t see that coming.  Surprise, surprise, surprise.   That’s a consequence of the political philosophy of the present and enabling mayor of New York City, http://blogs.wsj.com/metropolis/2011/10/10/bloomberg-occupy-wall-street-can-stay-indefinitely/.  One former mayor sees the OWS differently, http://www.cnsnews.com/blog/grant-m-dahl/giuliani-i-wouldve-told-ows-protesters-streets-are-not-sleeping.  The enablers will quickly disassociate themselves from this rabble should more violence and more arrests occur.  They will also absolve themselves from contributing to the violent behavior.

The demonstrators have conveniently placed the blame for their socio-political-economic condition on the 1%.  Their salvation is progressivism.

The dissidents call for action by the government to further redistribute the wealth of others.  They conveniently ignore that it was the progressive politicians within government that over the past century have failed in their attempt to create a new deal by fashioning a great society by seizing the personal property of individuals.  Confiscating all the assets of all who earn $250,000 is insufficient to close the government’s growing deficit, cover the costs of entitlements, and reduce the national deficit.  That places the burden of taxation on those earning less than $250,000.  One OWS squatter stated on camera, “Just think how wonderful it will be in a world without money.”  Think.  Please do.

The federal tax code is so cumbersome it merits its own wing in the Library of Congress.  It is riddled with loopholes and exemptions.  One loophole is one too many.  Adding new exemptions is a foolhardy method to repair a broken system.  There is only one reasonable approach.  Start from scratch.  Government should not dole money to businesses.  That has not worked in the past.  It will not work now or in the future.  End the practice of corporate welfare.  A fair market price should determine the success or failure of a business.  That is in the best interest of all.  Politicians, saddled with IOUs from individuals and political action committees, should not choose which businesses succeed and which fail.

The demonstrators have wrongly placed the blame for their socio-political-economic condition.  Their frustration is misdirected.  Progressivism has barred individuals from shaping their own destinies.  The Marxist tenet, “to each according to ability, from each according to need,” is twaddle.  The OWS bunch needs to think about that.

Dear, dear, dear

Dear Cato,

You have to have more ability from Congress, I think, to work together and to get over the partisan bickering and focus on fixing things.  I think we ought to suspend, perhaps, elections for Congress for two years and just tell them we won’t hold it against them, whatever decisions they make, to just let them help this country recover.  I really hope that someone can agree with me on that.  The one good thing about Raleigh is that for so many years we worked across party lines.  It’s a little bit more contentious now but it’s not impossible to try to do what’s right in this state.  You want people who don’t worry about the next election.  —Bev, Raleigh, North Carolina

Dear Bev,

Hello.  Did you save all your compositions you wrote in high school?  You know, the ones with the “great ideas, , A+” comments written by your teachers?  Duh.  Hello.  Have you ever heard of a constitution?  The United States of America has one, http://www.archives.gov/exhibits/charters/constitution_transcript.html.  North Carolina even has a constitution, http://www.ncga.state.nc.us/Legislation/constitution/ncconstitution.html.  I strongly urge you to read these documents, or have someone read them to you.  By the way, it is certainly great news that Raleigh has one good thing.  Try working on a second good thing.

Dear Cato,

To solve the serious problems facing our country, we need to minimize the harm from legislative inertia by relying more on automatic policies and depoliticized commissions for certain policy decisions. In other words, radical as it sounds, we need to counter the gridlock of our political institutions by making them a bit less democratic.  —Peter, Boston, Princeton, Washington …

Dear Peter,

The executive branch of government has already begun to implement your very suggestion.  A plethora of commissions, agencies, departments, and bureaus are performing tasks that Congresses should perform.  The Environmental Protection Agency, Department of Homeland Security, the Department of Health and Human Services, the Department of Justice, and the Joint Select Committee on Deficit Reduction are fine examples.  Have you ever met Bev from Raleigh?

Dear Cato,

We lost the dam.  Hurricane Irene washed away the dam.  Damn.  A few days later Lee blowed tru.  We lost the dam.  Damn, damn.  Dare was floodin’.  Damn, damn, damn.  Water, water everywhere.

—Dave, Utica, New York

Dear Dave,

I looked at a number of maps; none indicated that that there ever was a dam.  You did not lose any dam.  Are you confusing a dam with a retaining wall?  You lost one of those.  Face it, Dave, you were in too deep long before Irene and Lee.

Dear Cato,

The American people don’t care about pork barrel projects.  The Asian carp, the noise from helicopters in Riverhead, EEE, juice concentrates, price of coffee beans, untapped maple trees, bitchy airline stewardesses, profitable capitalist businesses, On Star, and long horned beetles are driving me crazy.  I am virtually certain Weiner had nothing to do with lewd tweets.  I think that I am constantly being watched, followed, and tracked.  We have three branches of government: a House, a Senate, and a President.  Maybe we need a fourth branch.  How about adding Courts?  That’s a win-win.  —Chuck, New York

Dear Chuck,

Wow.  Where to begin?  You are at an important cross-road in your life.  You are too funny.  Many comedy clubs have amateur open-mic nights.  Try attending a few; and, by all means, actively participate.  Think of a funny line: Take my Asian carp, please.  There is a second option to weigh.  You might also want to consider becoming a full-time agoraphobe living in a soundproof microbiologically sterile environment which is devoid of all means of communication with the outside world.  Oh, one more thing: it is not your imagination.  “They” are watching, following, and tracking you.  Good luck.  Can you do anything about that cookie your official website puts in my computer?

Dear Cato,

The memory of 9/11 has been irrevocably poisoned; it has become an occasion for shame. And in its heart, the nation knows it.  —Paul, New Jersey

Dear Paul,

I’ll bet it is the swamp gas.  Hold your breath for as long as you can.

Dear Cato,

Let’s pass this jobs bill now.  All folks should march with me and press on.  Let’s pass this jobs bill now.  Take off your bedroom slippers.  Let’s pass this jobs bill now.  Put on your marching shoes.  Let’s pass this jobs bill now.  Shake it off.  Let’s pass this jobs bill now.  Stop complaining, stop grumbling, stop crying.   Let’s pass this jobs bill now.  Even when folks are hitting you over the head, you can’t stop marching.  Let’s pass this jobs bill now.  —Barry, Washington

Dear Barry,

You are a few decades too late.  The Screaming Eagles could have used your talent.  Those folks could really march and shake.  Thanks to Uncle Louie, they marched and shook themselves into Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade.  Ask Uncle Onyango for help.  Change your wardrobe.  Start wearing BDUs in public.  People hitting you over the head seem to have taken its toll.  You are obviously marching to the beat of your own drum.  There is more to life than your desire for instant gratification.  You might consider golfing, taking a vacation, joining a community group, or just putting your feet on your desktop in order to relieve the pressure!

Dear Cato,

Teabaggers are homegrown terrorists.  Teabaggers earn the title of “terrorists” because they did what bin Laden could not: Teabaggers blew up the American economy and recovery.   Now the GOP and their teabag extremists must own the economy and the harm they did to our recovery.  President Obama captured and killed bin Laden.  He proposed $4 trillion in savings and an increase in revenue by making the tax code fair.  Thank God Obama protected benefits for senior citizens and our working families from the teabag assault.  Really?  They want to restore medical insurance discrimination, something Health Care Reform ended.  For myself, the choice is clear: Four more years for President Obama!  —Rev. Jim, Marcy

Dear Rev,

Oh dear!  WWJD?  You poor honey.